snore

it's not missing one night of sleep.
I can do that..
It's not even having restless sleep
I can do that too
It's when days become weeks of waking every two hours.
Or in the case of last night every hour and a half.

I'm really glad she's here and the night feedings can be very sweet--especially when the kitties are all there and watch or cuddle with me.


BUT

it was much easier when she was on the inside. MUCH easier. If I'd known that I probably wouldn't have kvetched as much.

Yes I would have. It's funny to know that I'd trade what happened in the third trimester for the barfing of the first and the "fourth" trimester (the month after she was born) for the pain of the third. I wonder if I'll trade the teenage years for the newborn month.

I'm not sad about this, just thinking. And tired. Very tired. Yesterday was really hard.

But it is nice to have her here. She laughed yesterday when Zach head butted her (gently) and I poked her wee nose.

James is home

thank god.
I missed him.
I can also take a bath.

The bean was easy today. Slept almost all day. Yesterday she ate every hour and didn't sleep and yelled...I'm thinking another growth spurt. She'll be trying out for the women's NBA next week.

The house is still chaos. There is a ceiling in her room now. They didn't clean up the floor so we'll do it tomorrow and put everything back.

And we'll take a trip to some burbs to look for the good middle class decidedly unhip life. Yes we will be the Adams family. We will have the Scissorhands mansion in suburbia (or some approximation). I don't care about cool anymore I just want things not to break all the time. And some room for the Divine Miss Em to grow.

Hey, you know what? I just walked through fire and didn't hurt my child. All the worst stressors hit --emergency, James being gone, me still being sick, being all alone with her for the first time, tiredness, huge chaotic mess, guilt from having to put off his mom, getting my damn period again.... I think the cosmos tested me and I passed. I feel like I needed to know this and know it now.

cool.